School Pilot Draft II
The Second draft
About six weeks ago I posted the first draft of a pilot I’m writing on a failing NYC private school. You can read that here. Since then I’ve been working on a re-write where I focus more on the characters. I want to achieve some synthesis between the two. This one is supposed to be a bit more understated, perhaps too much so.
I haven’t been great on Substack this month. It’s been finals. I do have some really exciting stuff coming up which I will share with you, and I have a few pieces of writing out to publications, so if those get rejected I will post here. Expect an update from me soon. I’ve been hard at work writing but I want to make this a priority again.
The best way to read the screenplay is here. The formatting is correct. I’ve also posted the text below even though it will be a worse reading experience.
Thanks for always supporting me. I appreciate you all! Feel free to leave a comment if you have any feedback or like the first one better. I’m always seeking that stuff out.
-Luke
ACT 1
INT. NYC APARTMENT BEDROOM- DAY
JOSEPHINE KELDRON, Dean of students, is typing on her
computer, leaned forward and squinting, with one finger
deppressing each key. She is in her 70s.
She is sitting at a small table in a cozy and cramped
kitchen. There is a lamp on the table and a window that lets
in morning light behind her.
The TEA KETTLE starts whistling and Josephine presses a
button sending her document to the printer. We hear both
sounds before Josephine makes herself a cup of tea with the
printed paper in her other hand.
CLOSE ON:
An imposing wooden catholic crucifix featured above the
stove.
PAN:
Across the room, a child’s piece of art framed in glass.
Small Children holding hands and running in a circle.
JOSEPHINE
(reading from the paper)
Dear Tim, it is with careful
consideration and a heavy heart
that I must inform you of my
departure from the Hutchins-Baskins
school. In our twenty years
together it has been my greatest
pleasure to watch you grow as a
human, as an educator, and as a
father to Stacy and Emily. I will
always consider you my friend.
However, I cannot continue to work
for you. It has been exhausting and
detrimental for my own mental
health to feel the constant need to
hold you accountable and explain
your decision-making to others.
Given the current political climate
at Hutchins-Baskins, more
specifically, the over-reach of
admissions and admanent...
JOSEPHINE grabs a red pen from out of a mug and crosses out
something on the page.
(MORE)
2.
JOSEPHINE (CONT'D)
Sugar!
CUT TO:
EXT. 79TH STREET- DAY
JOSEPHINE steps out of a cab on the quiet Upper East Side
street. She moves slowly but deliberately down the sidewalk.
On the street corner a sewer grate is overflowing with water.
Several construction workers in orange vests scratch their
heads.
INT. SCHOOL FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Outside of the front-door of the school, JOSEPHINE looks into
her purse once.
CLOSE ON:
The letter, addressed “tim better, hutchins baskin school...”
it’s in a fancy envelope with the school’s logo on it.
She scans into school using her id card on a lanyard around
her neck. JOSEPHINE is greeted by a security guard.
JOSEPHINE
Good morning Derek.
SECURITY GUARD
Good morning Josie! Our little
friend stopped by again last night.
JOSEPHINE walks behind him and he pulls up security footage
of a racoon digging through the trash.
SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D)
Just one of God’s many creatures.
JOSEPHINE
Amen. And such a cute one. What are
they going to do to him?
SECURITY GUARD
Well in the past we’d probably have
hired the exterminator
(looks around to make sure
no one else is listening)
(MORE)
2.
SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D)
3.
But these days we’ll probably just
have David from maintenance trap
him in a trash can and drop him off
in central park.
SECURITY GUARD laughs and JOSEPHINE walks away shaking her
head to the other end of the large lobby.
INT. SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE- CONTINOUS
FOLLOW JOSEPHINE AS SHE ENTERS PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE.
TIM BETTER, Elementary School Principal, has an office that
is clean and stately. There is a bowl of candy and a
comfortable sofa, big bookshelves and a desk in front of two
large windows. The room is dark blue and calm, if you were
sent to the principal’s office here you might not feel so
terrible.
Not visible to the lobby there is a large stack of boxes.
He is 40, a bit on the shorter-side, and is wearing a blue
collared shirt.
JOSEPHINE hands him the letter.
JOSEPHINE
This is for you.
Tim looks confused but takes it.
DOTTIE
Where were you?
JOSEPHINE whips around to see DOTTIE standing in the back
corner of the room drying herself off with paper towels.
JOSEPHINE
At the dentist. Why are you all
wet?
DOTTIE
There was another one.
JOSEPHINE
Are your shoes ok this time?
DOTTIE
What did you have done at the
dentist?
SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D)
3.
4.
JOSEPHINE
Just a cleaning.
DOTTIE
(skeptically)
Which means you’ll go back for your
next cleaning when?
JOSEPHINE
I don’t know. In six months. Why
are you interrogating me?
DOTTIE
Josie, as you know we’re under a
lot of scrutiny. With our
elementary school principal’s
actions at the HB Fall Land
Acknowledgement landing on the
front page of the Post. I’m forced
to consider that they might have a
source on the inside. I will make
it my mission to drag that person
out into the light before these
bathroom incidents start showing up
in the newspaper too.
A BEAT as Dottie stares down Josephine.
JOSEPHINE
I wish you the best of luck with
that endeavour.
DOTTIE
Mmm-hmm
IVAN BURIAN mid-40s, Queens Native, wearing a blue
maintenance shirt and khaki pants enters TIM BETTER’s office.
He has a walkie-talkie on his belt.
TIM BETTER
Whaddya got for us?
IVAN
Well the camera in the hallway is
broken...
DOTTIE
What? How long has it been broken
for?
DOTTIE pulls out a small spiral notebook and starts taking
notes. Josephine rolls her eyes.
4.
5.
IVAN
Months but I’ve told Tim about it
and we can’t get it fixed yet.
DOTTIE
Tim, why can’t we fix it?
TIM BETTER
Because we have no money.
DOTTIE
Hmm... that’s motive.
JOSEPHINE
I can’t with this.
IVAN
How come we don’t have any money?
DOTTIE
Enrollment is down, the school is
less prestigious but hasn’t lowered
it’s prices, no one wants to
donate, and Mr. Principal has
mismanaged the Q1 budget.
IVAN
I see. The one thing I did find was
a wet footprint that leads back to
classroom 44.
JOSEPHINE
I have a little friend in classroom
44 I can talk to him.
DOTTIE
Josie, don’t be afraid to crack
some skulls.
IVAN’s WALKIE-TALKIE beeps and static erupts.
IVAN
Excuse me I have to go.
DOTTIE
Me too. I have a meeting. Oh by the
way Tim, the meeting on whether or
not to fire you is at 4pm today,
so... look alive.
IVAN and DOTTIE exit.
TIM BETTER
You don’t think.
5.
6.
JOSEPHINE
No of course not. Don’t be gross
Tim.
TIM BETTER
(waving the letter)
What’s this all about?
JOSEPHINE tightens up.
JOSEPHINE
Nothing important. Read it later.
TIM BETTER puts the envelope down on top of a stack of mail
and lies down on the couch dramatically. Josephine sits down
next to him.
TIM BETTER
I’m really not ok.
JOSEPHINE
I know you’re having a hard time
Tim, but it’s gonna get better.
TIM BETTER
Do you promise?
JOSEPHINE
Yes I do, but you’re in charge here
at a certain point you’re going to
have to act like a leader. I’m not
always going to be around here to
help you.
TIM BETTER
Your Mom lived to like 102, you’ve
got like 30 solid years here left
Jos. Don’t think like that it’s bad
for your health. It’s just the
girls. I feel so bad for them.
JOSEPHINE stands up.
JOSEPHINE
I’m listening.
TIM BETTER
With the divorce and now it being
in the paper. It’s a small
community.
JOSEPHINE inches towards his desk during TIM BETTER’s
monologue. She gets close to the stack, within a fingers
reach.
6.
7.
JOSEPHINE
What’s with all the boxes?
TIM BETTER looks away at the boxes for a second, distracted
but then doubles back.
TIM BETTER
Are you going through my mail?
JOSEPHINE
No. Of course not. Why would I do
that?
TIM BETTER springs up to his feet. A beat as he thinks.
TIM BETTER
You’re looking for the christmas
card aren’t you?
JOSEPHINE
Yes...
TIM BETTER
It’s a little early to send out a
christmas card Jos, my second-
cousin, the Secretary of the
Interior, when his card comes in
I’ll show you. I know you love him,
but, like, don’t be so lustful.
(pointing at the boxes)
It’s an office re-design. I’m going
for a Tribal African Art theme.
JOSEPHINE
Don’t you think that’s a bad idea
when we have no money? Not to
mention all the political
implications.
TIM BETTER
Don’t worry it’s all just art stuff
from the archive.
END ACT 1
7.
8.
ACT 2
INT. JOSEPHINE’S OFFICE- DAY
JOSEPHINE’S office is cramped, space is at a premium, and
there are books everywhere. Some are being used as side
tables with mugs of half-drunk coffee on top of them. Her
desk is like an explosion of papers.
JOSEPHINE is sitting on the phone talking to HER SON on the
other line.
SON
Wait, Why do you want it back? If
you wrote it then you should let
him read it.
JOSEPHINE
No I do mean it. It’s just. Well
the timing is really bad. And...
SON
If the roles were reversed, do you
think they wouldn’t fire you
because of bad timing.
JOSEPHINE
No you’re right. You’re right.
SON
You told us you need this time to
get better and get healthy. You
can’t stop all that because you
want to please one person.
JOSEPHINE looks at her watch, stands up but stays on the
phone.
JOSEPHINE
Yes. Ok. I’ll let him read it, but
I have to go. Ok?
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY- DAY
JOSEPHINE walks slowly down the hallway. She peaks in
classroom windows and looks at art posted on the walls. She
looks intensely but with someone looking for what’s being
done right instead of fault.
8.
9.
INT. CLASS 14- CONTINOUS
JOSEPHINE slips into the back of class 14. The teacher,
PATRICIA, is at the front of the room writing on the board
with the students sat on the rug. JOSEPHINE sits down in one
of the student chairs at the very back of the rug. A STUDENT
leans towards her.
GIRL #1
Did you know that smallpox has no
treatment or cure and it can cause
rashes all over your body before it
slowly kills you.
JOSEPHINE
Wow, that’s very good Honor.
HONOR
Well, actually, that’s very bad...
The STUDENT goes to open her mouth again with what is
presumably another fact about infectious diseases but before
she can, JOSEPHINE, gently, with one hand turns her body so
that she is facing the board again.
TEACHER PATRICIA
Ok class, when I say go please head
back to your seats and I will hand
out the worksheet in just a moment.
She looks at JOSEPHINE and hands her a worksheet. It says,
“write about a time when you hurt someone’s feelings.”
Josephine grimaces.
TEACHER PATRICIA (CONT'D)
What’s wrong?
JOSEPHINE
Oh nothing. Can I borrow Gardner
for a second?
TEACHER PATRICIA approaches a small impish boy, his nose in a
book, she tries to get his attention by calling his name and
eventually has to kick his foot.
TEACHER PATRICIA
Gardner you’re gonna go with Miss
Josephine for a second. You aren’t
in trouble.
CUT TO:
9.
10.
INT. JOSEPHINE'S OFFICE- DAY
GARDNER enters after JOSEPHINE, holding a book while he’s
walking.
GARDNER
Can I sit in the chair?
The chair is farther away from the desk than the couch is.
There are books on top of it.
JOSEPHINE
You don’t want to sit on the couch?
GARDNER
It’s bad for my posture.
JOSEPHINE moves the books and GARDNER sits comically small on
the seat across from JOSEPHINE’S desk, his legs dangle off
the side barely and he is reading again.
JOSEPHINE
Gardner, can you put the book down
please?
Instead GARDNER pears his gaze over the book shyly looking at
JOSEPHINE. This is enough.
JOSEPHINE (CONT'D)
Did you notice what happened this
morning?
GARDNER
When Ms. Patricia started crying
for no reason?
JOSEPHINE
(concerned)
No... The bathroom.
GARDNER
Yes. The third floor boy’s bathroom
flooded with four centimeters of
water. I know this because I
measured it with a clear purple
ruler from my classroom bin. It
measures in inches and centimeters.
JOSEPHINE
Yes very good. Very precise.
10.
11.
GARDNER
When there is flooding in New York
City the national weather service
texts my Mom’s IPHONE that says
(he does a funny voice)
Alert a flash flood warning has
been issued in your area. Maybe we
should do that over the school
announcements because this has
happened twice so far.
JOSEPHINE
Yes that’s a good idea, will you
send me a proposal as a letter so I
can show it to Mr. Better?
GARDNER
Ok.
JOSEPHINE
Gardner can I ask you a question?
GARDNER
Well. It depends. Can I ask you a
question first?
JOSEPHINE
I suppose.
GARDNER
What happens after you die?
JOSEPHINE
Well sweetie. Some people think
your soul goes to heaven, but you
don’t have to worry about that for
a long long time.
(a beat)
And you can always talk to me about
that stuff if you need to. Gardner
do you know who flooded the boy’s
bathroom?
GARDNER
(a beat)
Yes but I can’t tell.
JOSEPHINE
You can tell me.
GARDNER
I gave my word.
11.
12.
JOSEPHINE
Gardner if somebody did something
bad you shouldn’t keep it a secret.
GARDNER
Do you know the class pet in
classroom 44?
JOSEPHINE
Yes, Phil the caterphiler. We’re
old friends.
GARDNER
He told me.
JOSEPHINE
What do you mean?
GARDNER
He knows everything and he tells me
secrets sometimes.
JOSEPHINE
Like what kind of secrets?
GARDNER
Like who flooded the boy’s
bathroom.
JOSEPHINE
And you won’t tell me?
GARDNER
No matter what you do I won’t tell
you.
JOSEPHINE
Ok. I can accept that. Before you
leave will you do one thing for me?
GARDNER
What is it?
JOSEPHINE
There’s a letter on Mr. Better’s
desk. It’s in a white HB envelope
with his name written in pen. Will
you go into his office and grab it
for me? He’s not in there.
GARDNER
Isn’t it a big crime to steal
someone’s mail?
12.
(MORE)
13.
JOSEPHINE
No, no, that’s only if you open it.
I wrote the letter I just need it
back.
GARDNER
And I’ll still be able to get into
that heaven place if I do this?
JOSEPHINE
Gardner, of course sweetheart.
Don’t worry about all that. You’re
here to learn and have fun.
GARDNER
Can I grab a piece of candy while
I’m in there?
JOSEPHINE
Gardner, it’s 9:30 in the morning
you should’t be having candy.
GARDNER shoots her a look, “you expect me to do your bidding
and I don’t even get candy?”
JOSEPHINE (CONT'D)
Ok you can grab one piece of candy,
but this stays between us. Now go.
JOSEPHINE waves Gardner away lovingly.
CUT TO:
INT. DOTTIE’S OFFICE- DAY
DOTTIE is sitting behind her desk on the phone. TIM BETTER
knocks on the door and she waves him in but doesn’t put the
phone down.
DOTTIE
(into phone)
I don’t know what to tell you
Daniel, Mia didn’t wow us in the
entrance exam.
A Beat, we hear a voice in the phone but can’t make it out.
DOTTIE (CONT'D)
She wanted to play with blocks
instead of talk to me, and when I
asked her she said she only want to
do a simple math problem. It’s as
simple as that.
(MORE)
13.
DOTTIE (CONT'D)
14.
I’m sure she’ll find the right
place. Ok, yeah, look, ok I’ll call
you back.
DOTTIE hangs up the phone.
DOTTIE (CONT'D)
What do you need?
TIM BETTER
Well...
(looks at the ground
pathetically, maybe
tearing up)
Do you think they’re going to fire
me?
DOTTIE
(handing him a tissue)
No Tim. I don’t think they’re going
to fire you. The whole thing last
week was... Not ideal but
surviveable. The divorce stuff?
Ehh... it’s a matter of public
record now. You gotta be strong
show them you can handle it.
TIM BETTER
But I am weak.
DOTTIE
Truly but can’t you keep a stiff
upper lip?
TIM BETTER
No I never learned how. This is why
I came to you instead of Josephine.
DOTTIE
I can help you but I need you to do
something for me first.
TIM BETTER
What is it?
DOTTIE
All the security tapes from the
past three weeks. I need them to
find out who’s leaking stories to
the Post. I need you to send them
to my phone.
TIM BETTER
Isn’t that illegal?
DOTTIE (CONT'D)
14.
15.
DOTTIE
No, of course not.
TIM BETTER
(A Beat)
Ok deal. To your phone?
DOTTIE
Yes. Can you do that? I don’t know
how technology works.
TIM BETTER
I’ll figure it out.
DOTTIE
Are you ready for my technique on
keeping a stiff upper lip?
TIM BETTER nods.
DOTTIE (CONT'D)
Anytime someone challenges you just
imagine that you are punching them
in the face.
TIM BETTER
That works for you?
DOTTIE
No, it’s different for me. I have
it naturally, but yes sometimes I
think about slapping someone in the
face.
TIM BETTER
Ok. Imagine punching someone in the
face. I can do that.
CUT TO:
END ACT 2
15.
16.
ACT 3
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY- DAY
IVAN BURIAN has the door to the boy’s bathroom propped open.
He’s mopping with headphones in listening to something like
“”. A child approaches and tries to use the bathroom.
IVAN
I’m sorry you can’t use the
bathroom.
CHILD 2
My parents say that I’m allowed to
go to the bathroom whenever I want.
Especially at school.
IVAN
You can use the bathroom. You just
can’t use this bathroom.
CHILD 2
What’s your name?
IVAN
My name’s Ivan
(he reaches out to shake
hands)
CHILD 2
You’ll be hearing from my parents.
CUT TO:
INT. TIM BETTER'S OFFICE- DAY
TIM BETTER is sitting behind his desk on his computer.
A child enters unannounced.
TIM BETTER
You can’t just come in here
unannounced! This is a sacred
space.
CHILD 3 grabs a piece of candy quickly.
CHILD 3
Unlike your marriage.
16.
17.
TIM BETTER
(under his breath)
I’m thinking about punching you in
the face right now.
CUT TO:
INT. JOSEPHINE'S OFFICE- DAY
JOSEPHINE holds an envelope that she’s turning over in her
hands. It’s a bank bill with Tim Better’s name on the front
of it. Clearly not the envelope she wanted.
She stands up.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL FRONT OFFICE- DAY
DOTTIE is speaking to two SECURITY GUARDS. She’s holding out
a copy of the New York Post, the front page open.
DOTTIE
Do either of you gentleman know
anyone who works for this
newspaper?
CLOSE ON:
The New York post on the side table next to the couch.
Headline, “NYC PRivate school principal performs embarrassing
latin dance at city land acknowledgement.”
SECURITY GUARDS
No Ma’am.
DOTTIE looks at them suspisciously. A BEAT as she sees if one
will crack. The silence only interrupted by the beep of her
phone in her pocket. She checks it and then scurries off into
her office.
INT. DOTTIE'S OFFICE- CONTINOUS
DOTTIE stands closes the door to her office and doesn’t
bother to turn on the lights. Dramatic music plays.
CLOSE ON:
Phone. DOTTIE has a new email from Tim Better with a
hyperlink that she clicks on.
17.
18.
A long series of files with timestamps. Dottie opens one,
10/17 3:00pm-4:00pm. The video footage plays. It’s of the
front office just outside her door, which is just slightly
out of sight. Ivan Burian is standing by the door when Dottie
approaches him from behind. They start furiously making out
before closing the door and drawing the shade behind them.
DOTTIE hits the trashcan button on her phone. It asks her if
she is sure she wants to delete the video. She clicks yes.
She does this with another video.
DOTTIE is smiling.
INT. TIM BETTER’S OFFICE- DAY
TIM BETTER, JOSEPHINE, and DOTTIE are re-convened for their
afternoon meeting.
TIM BETTER
(to Josephine)
What did you find out?
JOSEPHINE
I talked to my source in classroom
44 and, well. I didn’t really find
anything out.
TIM BETTER, annoyed.
TIM BETTER
You didn’t find anything out? Did
you try at least?
JOSEPHINE
Of course I tried Tim. He didn’t
know and I wasn’t going to
interrogate him. So what?
TIM BETTER
So what? We are in a crisis. A
toilet crisis and you seem to care
more about handwriting letters
(Waving the unopened
letter in the air)
Than fixing this.
DOTTIE
What’s in the letter?
18.
19.
JOSEPHINE
It’s none of your business what’s
in the letter.
TIM BETTER
I’m an assertive person now and I’m
opening the letter.
JOSEPHINE
Tim don’t open the letter.
DOTTIE
Ooooo
TIM BETTER grabs his letter opener, it’s a small sword.
JOSEPHINE
Tim, please don’t open it.
DOTTIE
What is it a love letter?
JOSEPHINE
It’s not a love letter. It’s
just... give it back to me and I’ll
read it.
TIM BETTER
Fair enough.
DOTTIE
No Tim. Don’t be an idiot. If you
give her the letter she’s not gonna
give it back.
TIM BETTER
Ok. Enough. I’m opening the letter.
JOSEPHINE sits on the couch now completely deflated. Dottie
is on the edge of her seat and TIM BETTER’s hand shakes as he
tries to open the letter delicately.
He sits behind his desk as he reads. His face looks so
surprised.
TIM BETTER (CONT'D)
I can’t believe...
An enormous, nearly gastrointestinal, sound the drywall
behind TIM BETTER’s desk explodes and a torrent of dirty
water bursts into the office. A pipe has burst. The water
pressure subsedes in intervals like a child throwing up.
19.
20.
A moment of silence as everyone watches it. TIM BETTER is the
first to react, screaming.
FADE TO BLACK.
END OF SHOW
This draft is clever and you’ve done a great job developing the characters! You have captured the personality of each character well through the dialogue and the little flecks of humor are simply charming!